I was out on a walk in the woods today, lost in random thoughts, when I looked and I saw.
I saw Quality, that undefinable Thing That Is. Everything was dancing and interwoven and magical and relative and Absolute.
And I felt like I got sucker punched in my solar plexus. And it felt like gut-wrenching fear. Wow, that threw me for a loop. It was so visceral.
"Why fear in all this Is-ness?" I asked. Well, Quality felt...too much. I felt its vastness, big-ness, on-going-ness, total-ness. And it was very, very scary. I felt like I couldn't look anymore because it was overwhelming. I stole another look and received another jolt in the same spot. Terror was alive in my gut.
If I were to describe this terror-of-the-gut, what comes to mind is the 5-year old character in the movie Lion at the moment he realizes that he's completely and utterly lost somewhere on our vast planet.
Questions came: Is Quality too much for little me to see? Can I hold my place in Quality? Is this what happens when one is awake to Quality?!? I felt like Moses who hid his face from G-d (except when I looked up commentary on this passage it all pointed to "because Moses felt his sins as a man" -- but that was so not my experience). I think he and I were worried that we would be overwhelmed.
My mind came in to save myself from this feeling: It's okay, you are part of Quality so you can't be consumed by It. Hmmm, did I feel any better? Then Marianne Williamson and Nelson Mandela merged together to offer up versions of: Who are you to be small? Who are you not to be big? That worked to distract me for a few minutes. Once I noted how my mind was racing to aid this terror-of-the-gut, I asked that it cut it out. My mind, that is, as I've learned enough in this school to know that the answer is not in saving myself.
Then I got distracted (a.k.a. saving myself), maybe it was by someone on the path or when my dog needed to be called back, and I carried on about my day which included driving and listening to Brenda Blessings (on a CD) "and who is the 'who-is' [who's feeling this terror-of-the-gut]?" which gave my brain more opportunity to think my way through this feeling.
"Just sit with the terror!" I said quite loudly in my head. By now I was at the office and I settled into a chair, closed my eyes, and I felt my solar plexus. I was immediately back on my nature walk, seeing Quality, and feeling the fear in my solar plexus. Yup, it was right there. As I stayed there, the infinity sign, which always comes up for me, pulsated right there with the fear and I thought that maybe I could move the fear around and around the infinity sign and that maybe the fear would change in some way. There I was trying to save/influence/shift things again!
In the end, I can say that today I sat with terror-of-the-gut when I saw Quality and I (eventually) allowed it to be. In the end, I didn't try to make sense of it, get rid of it, or continue to poke at it. That was my brush with Quality today. How was yours?