by Samar Ajami, Class of 2011
Throughout my life, I have struggled with my right to exist and to be located. I have longed for a minimum level of safety and security. I have often felt as if I am living on borrowed space.
I am continually faced with an unusual pressure to stay sober and realistic, whether it is because of my personal life circumstances, or because of the difficulties of the wider world, which is straining for any peace or sanity at all.
I have lived my life straddled between two realities, one of my longing to be an independent spiritual-loving-woman-healer-teacher, and the other of the confines of the society that I grew up in. However, the two seemingly separate realities form a polarity very similar to the two wires of a battery, and they appear to be the true source of my energy. It might be as well, that the essence of my life lies in responding to the paradoxes that are showing up, in a non-dual way.
My nine years at ASOS have helped me to understand what freedom really is.
It is there where I have learned how to bind myself to uncertainty, and to develop a new understanding of it. Eventually, uncertainty became an ally instead of a threat from the outside.
I have joined the Teacher Training class at ASOS, and as Teacher Trainees, we were asked to re-write the material of the curriculum on our own. The first year is an inner restructuring, working with one’s preconceptions and opening the self to be more real. It was challenging for me in the beginning to hold together my understanding of the material and my trust that Jason’s work would stay intact.
During this process, I came face to face with my fears, insecurities and resistance. I was determined to be there no matter what. For me, it was not about the teaching anymore. I found out that my life has been on hold for as long as I can remember, and here through this training there is a chance to change it.
Engaging with the curriculum at that level, I had to sink deeper and deeper with every part of the material. As I allowed both the wisdom and the understanding of each part into my awareness, embodying them within my being, I began to gain access to the knowledge that is at once alive, fresh, credible and real.
The alchemical nature of this process initiated a transformation within my whole being, making it more coherent. Eventually, it became a creative and delightful process; and uncertainty became synonymous with creation.
Occasionally, I would feel as if I am “filling the well with snow.” Yet, more often than not, I see myself and you, my fellow companions, as healing presences, returning to the “market place,” with the intent to help the world not destroy itself.
Along this path, I will keep on being wildly and unapologetically myself, with the hope that by doing just that, I might help to make space for others to do the same.